Few days ago, I had a face to face conversation with my ex-Husband. Asking me, how have I been spending my time and what I’m busy with? Yada yada.

After my brief sharing, he started the same old usual of his built up resentments, right from the beginning of our relationship, how my attitude changed his attitude towards me, and one thing led to another causing him to stray.

Every time we met and we tend to have similar conversations like these, him sharing his resentments, and my change and growth after the divorce and why didn’t I change earlier. I always find ways to retaliate or try to at least make a point across without sounding spiteful.

I have moved on, or at least I want to believe I did (Well, we don’t know what we don’t know yet). Usually right after one of those conversations, I regretted not acting based on grace, I reflected and asked myself the rationale of him saying certain stuff, especially the part on why I only started changing so much after the divorce.

I felt he needed closure and is still carrying hurt, although he hasn’t “sincerely” apologise for straying and having an affair. I was able to forgive him after receiving much liberation and joy as an outcome of the divorce. So I thought, his resentments would mean, him wanting an apology for all the mean things I said or had done.

During the midst of the conversation, I prayed for the Spirit to lead me, I looked at him and told him I acknowledged the mistakes I did, the hurt I have caused and I’m not here to compare who has gotten a bigger share of the pain. I apologised and told him that I hope this can help in his closure after 2 years.

He told me not everyone needs a closure to move forward. I kept quiet even though I don’t really agree with him but based on my current relationship/friendship with him, I don’t see a point to argue, show him my point or to “parent” him. I’m at peace with myself and that’s all it matters.

He told me he wasn’t happy, he doesn’t have enough savings, his mum occasionally still think he screwed his life up. I thank God, he is no longer part of my responsibility, I used to get so worried about his life, his job, his savings but sitting opposite him, though I felt sorry for him but I felt calm as my future no longer has him inside that could affect the algorithm, the uncertainties and worries it brings me when I was with him is gone.

I’m on my own and together with God, I felt at ease and at peace.

Some takeaways from this incident; when we were married my ex would often encourage me to exercise, eat clean however as I often felt intimidated, demoralised and with no motivation for growth, I allowed myself to spiral down into an unhealthy and defiant state.

Since the discovery of the affair, and seeing how skinny the girl who was behind all these was, made me push myself to run frequently, it was really tough at first, but I managed to feel and see the result of my perseverance, my cholesterol went down, I became healthier, I have changed physically and emotionally.

Though my ex kept harping on the fact that my change only took place after the divorce and he couldn’t reconcile with it, often asking me why didn’t I change earlier. I have an answer for that which I will elaborate in another post.

No one can ever go back and change their past, sometimes there is also no clear explanation on why certain things happened, many times it’s a mixture of everything that happened, small little things contributed and snowballed and led to undesirable situation. What I firmly believe is having the ability to reflect, take the lessons and make the best out of the situation. To change your wrongs to rights moving forward and to be a better version of yourself.

I’m thankful for everything that happened, the good and the bad that caused me to change to a better person and striving to be an even much better and happier self. Not everyone needs a closure, thank God I found mine.