Recently, I accompanied a friend of mine, to the law firm where I had my divorce done. Even though, it has been 20 months since I went up to that law firm. I couldn’t help but relived, some moments of the divorce.

I went to the same law firm, thrice excluding the one where I accompanied my friend. First time was to seek advice after I found out that he was having an affair behind my back. A close friend of mine, accompanied me to the law firm, I remember the cold bright room, so sterile, so bright, so cold, I felt embarrassed from calling to make appointment to sitting down in front of the lawyer asking questions to know more about the divorce procedure and how to fight my case. I felt ashamed that my marriage didn’t work out, I felt like a failure, I was afraid and helpless. I’m thankful for the companionship of my friend who took leave just to accompany me to the law firm. It really took me a lot of courage to face the giant, but my mantra at that time was to help my future self. I looked at myself from an outsider point of view, and was really determined to help this person overcome her hurdle.

After having a peace talk and some negotiating, both me and my then Husband went to the law firm to state our terms for an uncontested divorce. I remember telling myself that was it, no way I’m turning back. Meeting to go to the law firm was awkward, painful and confusing. There seemed to be this rush of unsettled air, mixture of emotions inside my body, thoughts running wild, yet I was determined that divorce is the only solution to my misery of an unhappy marriage.

The final and the 3rd time was when the lawyer had drafted out the interim divorce paper stating our terms and we had to sign in agreement to the divorce which also marks the day of our interim divorce on 06 November 2017, less than a month after I found out about the affair. It was then when his parents knew what happened, I was determined not to tell my family before finalising the procedure as I didn’t want external strong influence to tell me other wise. No one know the pain I went through better than myself, and it was really tiring then to repeat my story backdating to our dating time with people questioning me why I didn’t do this and that. On the day, of signing, we both agreed to meet, my friends who had been through everything with me were so worried that I would back out the last minute, I received many texts that day, I chose to ignore and I received a text from his Sister telling me, that my Mother-in-law wish I can reconsider my decision.

Tears rolled down my face when I read the text and I told her sorry, I had to do it. Shortly he called, he told me not to head up to the law firm, and when he saw me, he said let’s go back home, let’s try to make it work. There wasn’t action plan taken, he is still going to be working in the same department as her, they still get to meet everyday, on what basis should I go home with him. I had come this far, I’m not going to back out and succumb to my weakness anymore. This is the best time to end it, I knew I had to end, even though there were instances where I wanted my marriage or Husband back but I wanted to end this and restart anew.

There were so many maybes, maybe we will be nicer to each other when we decided to restart this relationship, maybe this will teach us a lesson, maybe we will cross path again, maybes… and the maybes didn’t happen.

Entering the cold bright room, my hand shook when I signed the paper, the signature that broke the chains to my unhappiness. Although throughout the process, he kept telling me, I can choose not to sign the paper but I did it. I remembered giving him a letter I wrote prior to signing the paper, can’t remember what I wrote but it doesn’t matter.

All I knew very well was what I wanted, I clearly wanted out, I knew I will never be able to trust him again if we have gotten back together, I know my suspicions will haunt this marriage if we continue, I will always be in a paranoia stage and I am sure I want to free myself from the misery.

Friends in similar situations, there are many times, if you are ever in my shoes, undergoing a divorce, you will be plague with many questions, thoughts, uncertainties going through your head, loud voices and gentle whispers in your head telling you to do this, or to try another. There are times when you relented, thinking all these are just too much for you to bear, that you should just give up, going into a state of limbo, or worst like my Friend, ending her life did cross her mind, but having the thought of helping your future self, and stepping out of your issues and looking yourself as a third party who love yourself so much, you will be compel or at least have the motivation to make a stand for yourself, because no one can help you if you don’t help and love yourself.

After telling me not to sign and telling me to head home and figure out how to restart the marriage, he went to meet her that night.

To him, I closed the door to my heart forever. Goodbye, my loved.