Tag: reflection

That Cold Bright Room

Recently, I accompanied a friend of mine, to the law firm where I had my divorce done. Even though, it has been 20 months since I went up to that law firm. I couldn’t help but relived, some moments of the divorce.

I went to the same law firm, thrice excluding the one where I accompanied my friend. First time was to seek advice after I found out that he was having an affair behind my back. A close friend of mine, accompanied me to the law firm, I remember the cold bright room, so sterile, so bright, so cold, I felt embarrassed from calling to make appointment to sitting down in front of the lawyer asking questions to know more about the divorce procedure and how to fight my case. I felt ashamed that my marriage didn’t work out, I felt like a failure, I was afraid and helpless. I’m thankful for the companionship of my friend who took leave just to accompany me to the law firm. It really took me a lot of courage to face the giant, but my mantra at that time was to help my future self. I looked at myself from an outsider point of view, and was really determined to help this person overcome her hurdle.

After having a peace talk and some negotiating, both me and my then Husband went to the law firm to state our terms for an uncontested divorce. I remember telling myself that was it, no way I’m turning back. Meeting to go to the law firm was awkward, painful and confusing. There seemed to be this rush of unsettled air, mixture of emotions inside my body, thoughts running wild, yet I was determined that divorce is the only solution to my misery of an unhappy marriage.

The final and the 3rd time was when the lawyer had drafted out the interim divorce paper stating our terms and we had to sign in agreement to the divorce which also marks the day of our interim divorce on 06 November 2017, less than a month after I found out about the affair. It was then when his parents knew what happened, I was determined not to tell my family before finalising the procedure as I didn’t want external strong influence to tell me other wise. No one know the pain I went through better than myself, and it was really tiring then to repeat my story backdating to our dating time with people questioning me why I didn’t do this and that. On the day, of signing, we both agreed to meet, my friends who had been through everything with me were so worried that I would back out the last minute, I received many texts that day, I chose to ignore and I received a text from his Sister telling me, that my Mother-in-law wish I can reconsider my decision.

Tears rolled down my face when I read the text and I told her sorry, I had to do it. Shortly he called, he told me not to head up to the law firm, and when he saw me, he said let’s go back home, let’s try to make it work. There wasn’t action plan taken, he is still going to be working in the same department as her, they still get to meet everyday, on what basis should I go home with him. I had come this far, I’m not going to back out and succumb to my weakness anymore. This is the best time to end it, I knew I had to end, even though there were instances where I wanted my marriage or Husband back but I wanted to end this and restart anew.

There were so many maybes, maybe we will be nicer to each other when we decided to restart this relationship, maybe this will teach us a lesson, maybe we will cross path again, maybes… and the maybes didn’t happen.

Entering the cold bright room, my hand shook when I signed the paper, the signature that broke the chains to my unhappiness. Although throughout the process, he kept telling me, I can choose not to sign the paper but I did it. I remembered giving him a letter I wrote prior to signing the paper, can’t remember what I wrote but it doesn’t matter.

All I knew very well was what I wanted, I clearly wanted out, I knew I will never be able to trust him again if we have gotten back together, I know my suspicions will haunt this marriage if we continue, I will always be in a paranoia stage and I am sure I want to free myself from the misery.

Friends in similar situations, there are many times, if you are ever in my shoes, undergoing a divorce, you will be plague with many questions, thoughts, uncertainties going through your head, loud voices and gentle whispers in your head telling you to do this, or to try another. There are times when you relented, thinking all these are just too much for you to bear, that you should just give up, going into a state of limbo, or worst like my Friend, ending her life did cross her mind, but having the thought of helping your future self, and stepping out of your issues and looking yourself as a third party who love yourself so much, you will be compel or at least have the motivation to make a stand for yourself, because no one can help you if you don’t help and love yourself.

After telling me not to sign and telling me to head home and figure out how to restart the marriage, he went to meet her that night.

To him, I closed the door to my heart forever. Goodbye, my loved.

Not Everyone Needs a Closure

Few days ago, I had a face to face conversation with my ex-Husband. Asking me, how have I been spending my time and what I’m busy with? Yada yada.

After my brief sharing, he started the same old usual of his built up resentments, right from the beginning of our relationship, how my attitude changed his attitude towards me, and one thing led to another causing him to stray.

Every time we met and we tend to have similar conversations like these, him sharing his resentments, and my change and growth after the divorce and why didn’t I change earlier. I always find ways to retaliate or try to at least make a point across without sounding spiteful.

I have moved on, or at least I want to believe I did (Well, we don’t know what we don’t know yet). Usually right after one of those conversations, I regretted not acting based on grace, I reflected and asked myself the rationale of him saying certain stuff, especially the part on why I only started changing so much after the divorce.

I felt he needed closure and is still carrying hurt, although he hasn’t “sincerely” apologise for straying and having an affair. I was able to forgive him after receiving much liberation and joy as an outcome of the divorce. So I thought, his resentments would mean, him wanting an apology for all the mean things I said or had done.

During the midst of the conversation, I prayed for the Spirit to lead me, I looked at him and told him I acknowledged the mistakes I did, the hurt I have caused and I’m not here to compare who has gotten a bigger share of the pain. I apologised and told him that I hope this can help in his closure after 2 years.

He told me not everyone needs a closure to move forward. I kept quiet even though I don’t really agree with him but based on my current relationship/friendship with him, I don’t see a point to argue, show him my point or to “parent” him. I’m at peace with myself and that’s all it matters.

He told me he wasn’t happy, he doesn’t have enough savings, his mum occasionally still think he screwed his life up. I thank God, he is no longer part of my responsibility, I used to get so worried about his life, his job, his savings but sitting opposite him, though I felt sorry for him but I felt calm as my future no longer has him inside that could affect the algorithm, the uncertainties and worries it brings me when I was with him is gone.

I’m on my own and together with God, I felt at ease and at peace.

Some takeaways from this incident; when we were married my ex would often encourage me to exercise, eat clean however as I often felt intimidated, demoralised and with no motivation for growth, I allowed myself to spiral down into an unhealthy and defiant state.

Since the discovery of the affair, and seeing how skinny the girl who was behind all these was, made me push myself to run frequently, it was really tough at first, but I managed to feel and see the result of my perseverance, my cholesterol went down, I became healthier, I have changed physically and emotionally.

Though my ex kept harping on the fact that my change only took place after the divorce and he couldn’t reconcile with it, often asking me why didn’t I change earlier. I have an answer for that which I will elaborate in another post.

No one can ever go back and change their past, sometimes there is also no clear explanation on why certain things happened, many times it’s a mixture of everything that happened, small little things contributed and snowballed and led to undesirable situation. What I firmly believe is having the ability to reflect, take the lessons and make the best out of the situation. To change your wrongs to rights moving forward and to be a better version of yourself.

I’m thankful for everything that happened, the good and the bad that caused me to change to a better person and striving to be an even much better and happier self. Not everyone needs a closure, thank God I found mine.